Author: fbtlwp

Chapter #1: The First Sign

Knock knock!

Startled, her thoughts returned from the fantasy world back to reality. She had been mindlessly looking at the moon outside lost in her wishful thinking. Her large stone-floored bedroom was on the 4th level of the mansion. Her roof-to-floor window overlooked the cliff and so the winds were always crashing into the south side of the house. She wondered if the butler had come up to remind her about the open windows!

Knock Knock!

She was almost off the bed when the door opened without warning. In barged hurriedly, the tall and strikingly handsome brother of Norah; without her permission, for the third time this year.

As he rushed in, he froze in his tracks suddenly, as the moonlight accentuated the naked curves of her body and a ‘shocked’ pair of eyes were staring back at him. He let his eyes wander without realising, but quickly came to his senses. He was red as fire now and words refused to come out of his mouth. She sat frozen, unable to move at the sudden turn of events and the chilly wind reminded her that she wasn’t wearing any clothes!

Earlier in the day –

She was standing in front of the mirror, trying to recollect all of Norah’s words. She undressed slowly, lost in thought. Her nightgown was a soft, salmon pink, flowery dress up to her knees. It had satin ribbons under the bust, tied into neat bows with long tails. She started undoing the ribbons one by one while going through a mental list of potentially 100s, no, 1000s of species and their metamorphosis signs.

She undid all 3 ribbons that held the bust area together by the time she counted 5 species in her head. She undid the top buttons made of dark silver metal roses releasing the hold and the dress fell to the ground, gathering at her feet. She had been experiencing strange sensations from around her upper abdomen, just below her bust, for a few years now. They were never painful though, just felt strange. However, it had kept building and off late, they came in throbbing waves.

Since she was an orphan for as long as she remembered, no one knew what species she truly belonged to. Everyone around her was always curious to find out. By the time one becomes a teenager, they start experiencing changes in their bodies as their powers begin to manifest inside them. Special organs or body parts develop depending on what species they come from.

Norah, her friend, had started sprouting bumps on her back and shoulders as she was born in the elite Fionias clan. They grew giant wings, wings of all shapes and sizes for they could fly! But their metamorphosis stage was excruciatingly painful. Many did not make it out alive.

Norah had been her everything since she was six years old. Her friend, her sister, her family. She was also her motherly figure when needed. Norah was the only one who did not care about her lineage and accepted her wholeheartedly as her own.

Norah’s mother had found Eyvah in the middle of a forest in a land far, far away from this town. Norah’s mother had spotted the child wandering the forests, bleeding, clothes torn, hungry and yet no tears. The moment her Mother had noticed something peculiar about Eyvah, she had instantly covered the child with her giant wings and wrapped her by tearing pieces of clothing from her own dress.

Norah secretly kept wishing that Eyvah would also grow wings soon, that maybe she was a Fionias baby too! She wanted her to belong to the same clan! This would mean that they could fly together once they both hit adulthood! Eyvah had dearly wanted the same. She was back in front of her mirror hoping to see some signs.

The tall and intricate metal framed mirror stood in the centre of the room with its back to the window. The sun rays fell on her curves gently and she took a long look at the mirror. She was 17 now and her breasts had grown a lot more than the last time she had paid attention to them almost 3 years ago. It was a new emotion and she gushed at the feel of their suppleness as she cupped them with both palms and kept examining them tilting her head side to side.

She was excited at the thought of becoming an adult very soon! Once she turned 18, she would be eligible to make her own decisions and she had a lot of plans already on what she would be doing with her newfound freedom next birthday!

She ran her hands all across her abdomen and then down her legs till her feet. She turned around and tried to crane her neck as much as possible to examine her whole back and shoulders. But there were no signs whatsoever, just smooth buttery skin. No new bumps, no new scales on the skin, no change of texture, zilch! She admired her own curves and squeezed her tummy and let out a giggle.

Could her special powers be connected to food? What if she belonged to the Oomshig clan? It meant her stomach had incredible power to digest anything and turn it into fuel for the body. It also meant almost unlimited vitality and the ability to live longer than most species. Her body could make special toxins too and heal faster than most other species. But she was more excited because it meant she could eat delicious and gluttony food to her heart’s content and she would never get fat. Every girl’s dream indeed!

Her giggle soon faded and a long face took its place. She wondered which species underwent a metamorphosis and reached adulthood really late. She needed to research more on this. She gave one last look at her nude body and started slipping into her dress again when the pain started at the core.

It was never painful before! Only increasing discomfort. Today, it was painful for the first time. She pressed her palms against the centre of her ribs below her bust. It was getting warmer. She could not understand what species would have this type of symptom. She had poured over hundreds of books and journals documenting multi-species metamorphosis. None of them mentioned something like this. The pain came in waves like a throbbing sensation. And it lasted about 15 full minutes.

She felt exhausted once the pain subsided. She felt like her energy had been zapped away and her legs caved in in. The outline of the large Victorian mirror started blurring and she fell to the floor and passed out.

Click here to read Chapter #2

Chapter #2: The Thrilling Escape

The chilly wind and the tinkling wind chimes woke her up late at night as her naked body could no longer handle the cold. She could not lock the windows as she had passed out when the sun was still high up. The wind was now teasing the long curtains and they responded furiously like wings flapping.

She curled into a ball and tried to recollect what had happened! She wasn’t even sure how long it had been. The moon was high up in the sky. The cold was too much to bear and she slowly crawled up to the bed and slid under the warm feather filled blanket, still undressed. Although her whole body was freezing, that spot remained incredibly warm to touch. As if there was a lamp burning underneath! Surprisingly, she felt refreshed and quite energetic now. The exhaustion had vanished completely. Utterly confusing indeed.

She wanted to tell Norah all about this new development. She knew Norah would be as excited or maybe even more excited than her to see that there was maybe a potential sign now! Norah was almost a head taller and usually towered over her. Eyvah tried to imagine what Norah would look like as a fully developed Fionias lady. What kind of wings will she have? Butterfly wings, eagle wings, dragonfly wings? What if she was lucky and grew the largest type of wings! It would suit her tall figure for sure. Norah would look magnificent with her long curly hair, deep red eyes and large brown wings. The image was powerful.

She was busy picturing Norah is all her glory when there was a knock on the door! Knock knock! Before she realised, there was Arnoh, Norah’s freakishly handsome brother standing near her mirror with his eyes peeled at her half exposed body. He was almost crimson now, ashamed at the turn of events and equally surprised to find her sitting naked in her room.

He quickly got down on one knee, lowered his head and apologised for barging in without waiting for her to open the door. It was an emergency and he had to act fast. He finally found his voice,

“We are under attack and we need to move. Norah has gone to help Mother and asked me to take you to safety quickly. We must fly out of here right now. We do not have much time. The guards will not last long. Before they reach your room, we must take off quickly.”

His trembling voice managed something like that.

She tried hard to spot her dress on the floor, but without lighting the lamps in the room, this was looking like an impossible task. He sensed her hesitation and stood up.

“I must apologise in advance, but I hope you will understand my actions”

He walked up to the bed, and scooped her up along with the blanket and walked across the stone floor towards the window.

“Hold on tight, this will be a rough flight as the wind is very strong today”

and he spread his large bat like wings ready for take off. He did a quick check and ensured no one had made it to this side of the cliff and jumped out nose-diving down the edge of the mountain.

She did not even have time to react or make sense of what had happened, but she trusted her life with him and decided to ask questions later. She grabbed his broad shoulders, buried her face into him and held on tightly till he finished his sharp dive downwards, flying scarily close to the walls of the cliff and was almost parallel to the valley floor. He flattened out his flight path and after what seemed like an hour but was really a whole 5 minutes.

He shot out across the floor of the valley and once he felt safe, started gliding gently instead of soaring across the fields below. She finally opened her eyes when his deep soothing voice told her it was now safe. She let go of his shoulders and slumped into his embrace and decided to enjoy the night sky instead. The stars were truly bright tonight.

He started explaining what had happened back home. The Fionias’ were victims of another subclan who wanted to reign supreme and thus eliminate his whole family. She knew this much. Norah and Arnoh belonged to the family of the direct descendants of their species. By the law of nature, they had evolved into the strongest of their kind.

Others had tried mixing with other species in order to become more powerful. But the selection wasn’t too kind to them. They did not realise initially that just as strong genes can combine, so can weaker genes too. Their hybrid generations lost most powers or became much weaker. The only way to reign supreme would be to eliminate the pure breeds like his family.

Arnoh was strangely upset more than being angry at the situation. She later got to know the reason. Among the attackers was also his childhood mate, his closest friend, Hosul. He felt pity towards his friend as he knew how difficult it must have been for Hosul to attack the very family he grew up with all his life. He decided he would never judge him for today’s actions and they would remain best friends whenever he faced him again. He dearly hoped that Hosul would survive this attack.

They were now flying over a thick forest and the sun was beginning to come up. He had crossed over several territories and boundaries and reached new lands he had himself not been to before. Norah had made him promise that he would take her friend to the farthest land possible and find a safe place for her to wait for them. It was time to switch to supersonic mode once again and cover more distance before the sun came up.

Click here to read Chapter #3

Itaewon Class – 이태원 클라쓰

Itaewon Class – 이태원 클라쓰 – 박새로이

How I saw a mirror in Park Sae Royi that made me find my true self again.

I can feel it now…Things are moving. A lot is happening – calmly. The universe – my world as I know it, is changing. It is getting ready for me. My journey suddenly feels like it is moving forward, towards something bigger, something more meaningful, bigger than what I had perceived life’s goals to be.

Every kdrama I have been watching – has been adding its influences to my thoughts. But right now, as I watch Itaewon Class, just a few episodes in – I am overwhelmed. I have been trying to find me – myself, who am I for the last few years. Everything I knew, crashed around me in 2017. It kept crashing every time I tried to stand up. With each downfall, I gained a new friend who chose to pick me up and stay by my side. My family went from pitying me to not understanding me to now slowly, respecting me.

Mom said something yesterday that made me immensely happy. Accenture approached me with a job – a dream company – an ideal career route, in these difficult times something any smart person would take up. But I have recently joined my professor in his business start-up and he promised to teach me everything from scratch and hired me cause he saw the potential. We did not even have a proper interview – we did not even meet. He just trusted his instincts with me. When I told mom, Accenture wants to discuss a job opportunity – she amazed me with her response.

She said – it is a company that anyone would be proud to be a part of, you will have a good job, good name, good pay, HR policies will be better. But, you will live in guilt if you leave your current boss who trusted you blindly and hired you for. You are not that kind of person I know. You’d rather live without guilt than have a dream job and not be happy for a single moment.

I was a bit taken aback and responded – You know I can’t fall in my own eyes – If I fall in my own eyes then anyone else’s opinion doesn’t matter. That is not how I can live. She asked me where did I learn such big words! We shared a moment there, of mutual respect. She seemed to be taken aback a bit now – maybe even a little proud even though she hates my guts. I was touched that my mother thought of me high enough.

I realised then – living the life I want with my own set of principles no matter what the consequences were starting to be worth it after all. I was beginning to get validation from people that mattered the most. Who always thought I was foolish to be so righteous, helpful and altruistic.

Park Saeroyi entered my life like a storm, stood in front of me like a mirror and showed me that I can continue on this path. Park Saeroyi gives me the strength to keep going, he makes me want to be stronger, better and do more, give more, find more. I am learning to fix my life again through him. I see myself in him – what I can be. My lost identity.

Fight for my beliefs and stick to them no matter what. Have a goal and work in silence making your moves in the shadows. Be there for those you care about without wanting them to be there for you, have friends who don’t feel tied to you. Get up each time you fall. Harder the fall, higher the rise. Don’t let anything faze you. If your plan gets changed, it is only a detour. Don’t start changing your goals find another way, but the goal remains the same.

I am beginning to ask the right questions to myself. I still don’t have all the answers. But I am beginning to feel it. The strength in me is rising. I will not allow myself to break again like before. I will not give that power to anyone again. I will love myself enough to not be needy for love again. Those that will remain in my life will choose to stay, I won’t have to make them or beg them to stay. They will stay because they want to.

I will take care of myself better. I will fall in love with myself all over again As I write these words, with V – Taehyung singing the Sweet Night in his soulful voice, my heart reverberates with his intensity and sincerity and passion. BTS started the inevitable change in me. The rise began from them. Now, Park Saeroyi takes them forward.

I found my haven in the land and people and the creative work of South Korean Entertainment Industry. It is calling me. I have never felt a place calling me like this – not even my childhood dream destinations of NY or Japan. Not even Galapagos. SK is very special to me now. One day I will set foot on this piece of land that holds a sweet promise. That I will find myself here. I will be right at the centre of this industry and it will put me at the centre of the world stage – and I will have the influence and power to touch and change lives, something I always wanted but never said out loud.

Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world usually do. Steve Jobs

I am physically weak right now. I need to fix that. I need to prioritise my goals and achieve them all.

I will achieve every dream I have! Because I can! Only I can!

D. 🌹

Laxmi

Laxmi

My life has been full of adventures and being an outgoing personality with a ‘curious as a cat’ nature, I always ended up having interesting conversations with strangers. This is the story of a wonderful human being with a heart wrenching journey that will bring a smile on your face in the end.

Mumbai Local – the lifeline of the bustling city – was also part of my daily commute during my college days back in 2005. I travelled from Borivali Station to Mahim where my college was located and each day was a new adventure indeed. It is a known fact among the regulars, that the majority of us would stick to a particular train every day and eventually have ‘train friends/buddies’ just like we made ‘BEST Bus friends/buddies’ and just like we had ‘Sharing Rickshaw Stand friends/buddies’.

There were unspoken rules while commuting via any of Bombay’s public transport systems. The local train of course has its own unique set of such rules. These rules though, are for another story, another book, another day. Let’s dive right into today’s protagonist – our glorious Laxmi!

I never tried to grab a seat in the overcrowded, overflowing local trains. I was a wild one. I had quickly learnt to stand on a few square inches of space in the corner of the bogie entrance with just the tip of my foot on it and one hand grabbing the side handles of the door. I would hang outside the train completely, clutching my nearly 10kg bag filled with my engineering books and tools.

The wind would slap at my face between each station as the train picked up speed and this vantage point meant I never had to get off the train completely when it halted at each station. I simply had to swing to the side of the train and hold on like Batman or Spiderman would have, till the entry exit chaos got over and the train started moving again.

As I lived a thrilling ride every day and travelled this way, oblivious to the risks involved, I noticed a saree clad woman would always get on a few stations after mine and hang on to the other end of the door like me. I was intrigued because she looked as fearless as me – but she also had to take care of her flowing saree and gajra and make-up etc. along with a very cute bright red handbag clutched under her arm.

We both would rhythmically perform our dance like ballet performers at each station – carefully swinging around the door’s edge, to let frustrated middle class women get in and out of the train. They used their elbows to roughly make their way through the sea of sweaty blouses and wilting gajras.

One day in the middle of our Mumbai Local Ballet Performance – our eyes met and she flashed a brilliant smile at me and asked,

“Beta – bara ka?” All Ok? in Marathi.

To which I nodded with the best swag I could come up with and a “Yo baby!” and a wink. We both were sporting cheap oversized sunglasses that day and felt nothing less than a Bollywood heroine as we lowered our glasses to share the winks!

Soon, we started looking out for each other at each station and made sure we were back on the footboard safely and in time. Generally, a few more stations later, the majority of the crowd would get off and the bogie would be nearly empty till our destination. This is when we would stand comfortably at the door now and close enough to start conversations for about 15 minutes daily.

I finally noticed her scent, her slick hair neatly styled into a bun, decorated with pretty hair pins and lots of mogra flowers. She always wore red lipstick and carried a red handbag. When she got to know I am a student, she was angry that I travelled by footboard everyday, but she also knew it was far more difficult to get inside the bogie during rush hours with my huge college bag. Many times, ladies would cluck cluck and complain my bag is taking up too much space and keep taunting me to travel in the luggage compartment.

She naturally became very protective of me like a mother would and suddenly started monitoring the door at all stations. She made sure I was always having enough space to grab on and hang properly and safely. Of course I meant safety as per Mumbai Local standards of safety!

I told her all about me, my family, my cats, my friends in college, how I get punished every day by teachers, my boyfriend I just broke up with ‘cause he had slapped me and so on. She would listen to me intently with sparkling eyes and an unwavering smile and sometimes even gave me valuable advice on boys! After many months of travelling together, I finally noticed other passengers.

They would always keep a distance from us. I felt odd that most of them stared at us in disgust. I was not sure why and usually wrote it up to the fact that we travelled on the footboard and it made them angry. They were always ready with tsk tsk and expressions of disapproval.

On a slightly rainy day, we decided to speak about her instead – her name is Laxmi, she stays far away near Kurla and comes every day to Andheri in and around the Chinai College neighbourhood. She did not explain to me her nature of work though. She had befriended many students from this college too and she started sharing funny couple stories of students and their break ups or teenage romance and anything that could potentially make me laugh. She would always tell me this one line with a blush –

“Aapko haste dekhar mujhe bahut khushi hoti hai.”

And I would laugh extra hard to make her happy and gush even more.

Some months later, one fine day, she wasn’t on the train. This was normal, we did miss our regular trains often. A few days passed and she was still not turning up. Finally, I started taking a seat once the bogie got empty instead of waiting at the door. The women who travelled regularly started smirking at me and soon gathered the courage to ask me directly –

“Beta, tumhara woh chakka dost nahi aaya?” To which the whole bogie laughed!

I was confused. Chakka? I wondered who they were referring to? You see, a lot of Chakkas or Eunuchs in India do not have the privilege and recognition as normal human beings. They are looked down upon, not given employment, ridiculed and looked at as someone to stay far away from, almost criminals. They are invited only to shower blessings when babies are born and nearly all of them have to resort to begging at traffic signals and inside local trains. This is despite the fact that many are able bodied and educated to work just like most other people in Bombay and India at large.

But I had not noticed any eunuchs coming in this particular train to beg with their signature claps to gain attention. I ignored the question and kept looking out at each station for Laxmi. Finally, after two whole weeks of painful waiting, she appeared! She looked quite upset but she tried her best to smile at me. We were waiting till we reached the station where the bogie got empty and we could chat close up.

Finally, I rushed to her and gave her a warm hug which startled her and everyone else in the compartment.  I suggested that we take a seat today and catch up instead of hanging at the door. She said,

“Hum ko baithna allowed nahi hai.” and I laughed thinking some funny joke was coming my way. But it did not.

When I pressed to go inside, she finally gave out a loud sigh and her shoulders dropped. She looked at me in all earnesty and asked,

“Kya tumhe sacchi nahi pata ki mai ek…ki mai… chakka hun”? I laughed out so hard that it made her angry. “Tumhe yeh mazzak kag raha hai?”

I was very innocent back then and I saw the world without much prejudice as I wasn’t yet coloured by the society’s version of right and wrong, thankfully! I told her of course I know she is not a woman by her body. She was nearly 6 feet tall, built like a tank and her muscles glistened with her sweat and she had abs underneath her saree drapes. Her shoulders were so wide, I could dry clothes on them. As I explained her masculine features to her in a very funny broken Marathi-Hindi combo, her face changed so many colours and finally settled for red in the end. She was embarrassed and I could not understand why.

She was taken aback that I knew all along she was a transgender woman but, why had I never treated her any differently then? So many emotions flashed across her face. When I used the word ‘transgender’, her eyes lit up because I did not call her a Chakka! I asked her when she was planning to get her sex change operation done. I made sure that I was having this conversation as loudly as possible.

This has always been my way of handling taboo topics in public. I would carry my sanitary napkins openly. If any girl would whisper around the office too embarrassed to ask for napkins, I would pass it openly. In fact, if there were boys in between, I would ask them to pass it too. While it is always met with absolute shock, embarrassment and mumbles in the beginning, eventually the boys started feeling proud of themselves! And the girls started feeling less ashamed talking about periods or asking for sanitary pads openly.

Coming back to the train compartment, I had visibly made every set of eyes peering at us as uncomfortable as they could have been in their entire lives. Laxmi was so overwhelmed that she had no idea how to handle the situation.

I spoke out loudly, “You have been my friend, a sister and a motherly figure, a caretaker on this train for months now. You have been the nicest lady amongst the sea of women who travel with us every day. You have been more of a woman than anyone else I have met in recent years!

You dress so beautifully, I love your blouse designs. I love your hairstyles and your pretty hair pins. You smell so good with that hint of jasmine. Your lipstick is always on point and despite having the broadest shoulders, you have the gentlest touch when you hold me during the chaos at each station.

I do not believe there is anything for you to be ashamed of and you deserve to sit here in the ladies compartment as much as any of us!”

That day we also had the company of two lady constables and they suddenly started clapping at my little speech. Nearly all the other women in the compartment simply looked down at their feet as I held Laxmi’s hand and dragged her inside to catch a window seat. We sat opposite each other and continued to hold hands as this nearly 6 feet tall woman trapped inside the body of a man was still trembling from the whole episode that had just taken place!

After a few sips of water and more smiles and reassuring hand presses from me, she calmed down. And then began her story of how she struggled all her childhood inside a body that felt alien to her. And the whole journey till the day of realisation that she does not identify herself as a man and feels like she was supposed to be born a woman. The details of Laxmi’s journey are again for another day, another book, another story.

However, the happiest moment wasn’t that day. It was the day after when some of the women kept seats for both of us once the bogie got empty and even shared their special tiffins made for the train journey with Laxmi and I. One lady offered her a fresh gajra made of special flowers to Laxmi. A grandmother even told me how proud she was of me and hoped that the future was in the able hands of my generation.

Laxmi and I spent our train journeys together for a few more semesters till I had to change my train schedule as per my new class schedule and we gradually lost touch. Till date, I miss her dearly and hope that she got the operation that was holding her back from living her life to the fullest. She wanted to start a homemade tiffin service for working women. I hope she achieved all her dreams and some more! I hope she found love too and is married and maybe has her own lovely family too. Someday, may our paths cross again.

Laxmi made me believe that being a woman was not exactly a birth right but it was in our actions and thoughts too that made us women and even before that – a good human being.

As I write this story for the world to read, it is the pride month – June 2021. I hope more and more Laxmis get the respect they deserve, the opportunities they are equally eligible for and the love they never received.

LGBTQ+ – let there be no boxes and boundaries to define gender. Let us try to be human first! Let us spread love faster than hatred. Let us not fear what we do not yet know. Let us make an attempt to reach out and understand before we make up our minds. Let us bring back the kindness this world needs desperately amidst one of the darkest periods, given the ongoing pandemic.

If you are reading this and you are not sure which box to check your identity as, you can leave it open too. I hope my love reaches you and holds you on the toughest days.

D 🌹

The Tiny Being

The mighty Mountain stood with her bosom swollen with pride,
But lost when the tiny being conquered her summit line!
The mighty River lived wild and carefree,
But lost to the tiny being when his dams tied her down like a tree!
The mighty Forest was a haven for Nature to flourish,
But lost when the tiny being stripped her naked, to feed his own wish!
The mighty Elephant walked the earth with thunder at its feet,
But lost when the tiny being made her dance in a circus on two feet!
The mighty Lion’s roar echoed through lands far and wild,
But lost when the tiny being put him up for display on a leash by a window side!
Thus, the tiny being went on to reach the top of the pyramid just fine,
But lost when he realised he could not save his own mind!
The tiny being took on the wrath of Nature’s curse,
But lost to the storms brewing inside his own mind’s universe!
The tiny being journeyed to far away lands,
But lost when he forgot the warmth of his own Mother’s hands!
The tiny being tried to comprehend everything on the outside,
But lost to the stranger staring back in the mirror by the bedside!
The tiny being wanted to reverse everything to pre mankind,
What had been an eternity of loss, felt like a fraction of time!
Alas, dots are connected only in retrospect, as life unwinds,
When it finally dawned on him, everything had already changed forever to rewind!

D 🌹

#Reds

Red for love, passion and desire; for courage and fire.
Red for blood that saves lives, for wars that claim sides.
Red for pain, that makes you feel alive!
Do you see the red in me?
For I am so full of it that my lips will tell you stories of reds that one is yet to discover.
More than 50 shades of red lie within the cracks of my lips.
Will you stay to tell me how many you see?
Will you stay to help them smudge into a colour that reflects my soul in your eyes?
My lips can colour your soul too. Would you taste the poison in them to know what my love feels like?
Do you think you could survive and let our kisses linger in eternity?
Frozen moments of softness while the poison works on you. Hooks you in and starts colouring you atom by atom.
Red.
Will you stay and colour my broken pieces where others left midway?
I promise to hide my maroons and drench you in my pinks.
Maybe I will even become a shade of blue for you even though it is impossible for primaries to do that.
You know, the only time reds turn blue is when wounds deepen. Harder the hits, more hues of blue.
We could create a beautiful mandala by putting back all my pieces, all my reds and all my blues I made for you.
You could spend a lifetime with me and I will show you how red and blue together gives the best hue.
Purple! Only if you promise to not go astray midway.
Change your colour and leave if you must, but while I sleep. Not before leaving my reds by the bedside.
Too many have left with them and I keep seeking them in all the wrong places.
An incomplete mosaic with blurred edges and missing pieces.
A failed art of Van Gogh that forgot to cross over with him.
I am falling short of reds of love to give.
I could scrape the last bits for you if you promise to stay. And if you do, I can do miracles too! I can make something out of nothing, my emptiness itself will create a new red for you.
Stay. Is it too much to ask?
Red… red for bloodshot eyes forever welled up.
For red roses with my name that never reached. Red for blushes stolen and betrayals with hearts broken.

#Reds

#AsaiMughamMarandePoche

D 🌹

Moving On

How do you leave someone you love?
You start by breaking yourself into a million pieces, held together by the vestiges of forlorn love.
You keep trying to mend the pieces together hoping to fuse them and heal, but it keeps ripping apart.
Pain shoots across your soul; there is nothing that will douse this burning pyre within.
A flame you desperately try to subdue with hope. Each time hope looks like it is winning and then the razor tipped flames lick and shred every bit of this hope till none is left again.
And you start imploding slowly into a void that is inexplicably heavy, weakness grasps you and you cannot stop spinning.
You keep questioning yourself and cursing yourself and nothing alleviates this pain that seems so deeply embedded, it is now every cell of your body and every breath of your soul.
While you continue to burn and get destroyed at a painstaking pace that seems like an eternity, your mind decays, you welcome dementia like you were waiting for it like your escape pod.
You want to run away into nothingness. You want to embrace solitude that will numb you. Just for a bit, you want to feel nothing.
And then just like that hope cracks in through a tiny crevice and hypnotises you once again.
Makes you believe there is space for one more try, one more attempt, we still have our last ounces of strength left. It teases you to believe again.
Just when you had begun to numb all over, light tears through your nothingness and an icy coolness subdues your pyre.
You wipe away the tears that eroded your soul and try again.
You venture into the world and tell yourself, you will find what you deserve.
You meet happiness once again.
You are wary of the dormant fire within and yet grab on to hope and happiness and stride forth.
Mistake.
One you never learn from. You get slapped hard with reality, you reel in and the world spins all around you.
Now the whole journey backwards is too familiar. You spread open your arms to welcome the raging pyre within, ready to be consumed once and for all.
You let the pain spread its tentacles all over you. You have a weird sense of calm.
There is a strange peace to this pain. This pain seems more comfortable and there is a sense of belongingness to this pain.
The pain is angry with you; you understand. You had abandoned it. You know what it’s like to be stranded.
You caress this pain and you become one with it. It now defines you.
You settle for this eternal pyre that burns within you, this pain that feels closer than anything else, this darkness that envelopes you like a warm fuzzy blanket, a fragmented, fragile and fearless heart in place of love.
You finally find acceptance and love in a hopeless place, from everything that everyone else runs away from.
You find your dark peace and life takes a new meaning.
You have managed to leave someone you love.

D 🌹

The Emotional Affair

An empty heart, yet so heavy
You say you try, yet no heart to it
Forever, eternity, love of my life, my doll
Same words, different chats
I will never leave you became I cannot live without her
Half a decade of everything and some more
One month of her and it all fell short suddenly
There is no spark you say, something doesn’t stir anymore
She gives you everything, now my more than everything is too less
I have you with me, yet she occupies your mind
Your hands hold me, yet your heart yearns for her
You hear my words, begging you to stay
And you can only wait to finish and hear her precious voice
The cigarettes hide the smell of my charring heart well
Yet you can’t stand that she slept hungry
You made love to me, or so I thought
But you couldn’t wait to pack your bags and leave to be with her
I gave everything I could and some more
I was running on empty, made something out of that empty
Put you number one priority, ahead of family and career
Yet you can’t wait to see her cute dimples
What have I done, what have I not done, what can I do more
Questions that plague my diseased mind
I have lost all sanity reading how you talk to her
How you call her everything you called me and some more
Everything you tell her that was once whispered into my ears
I trained you so well to handle a long distance
And now you apply it somewhere else
I wait, with my last shreds of hope scraping at the bottom of empty
Hoping you will pick half a decade over a month
They say, if you have to beg someone to stay,
They have already left a long time ago
I wait, counting, watching my shattered heart break
Piece by piece, one chat message at a time
I wait for the inevitable end.

D 🌹

Our Journey

Beautiful is my journey that encounters you
Happiness that cannot be hidden, happiness so true.
Cherished are the memories you have gifted me,
The warmth in my heart flows abundantly.
The Spring was beautiful, now the Winter is too
The colours more cheerful, flushed all the blues.
The rains so nostalgic and the smell of the books,
A world within a world, where nobody looks.
A surge of passion, a sense of belongingness
A hidden strength unveiled, sans a harness.
The blind trust entrusted, a sense of reliability
You have reeled me in, in for eternity.
You’ve taken my heart, now take my hand
Make me yours, bejewel me with The band.
Impatient and restless, I long to be yours
Yearning in silence, behind clear doors.
On top of the world, I want to scream your name
Call you mine, declare the flame.
Let them know, we made it fine
Out of the furnace, burnt, but not declined.
We’ve risen from the ashes they set for selfish wants
Chagrined hearts, but nothing daunts.
Painfully we pieced together our broken hearts
We’ve journeyed rivers of sorrow in our own Ark.
So my love, I bring unto you, what you brought unto me
Let the world know, we were meant to be,
Together, forever, indefinitely…
Our Journey….has just begun.

D 🌹
________________

Haan Tumne!

Khwabon ko silkar barson se chaadar odha hai maine,
Taaron ko silkar mere takiya ko sajaya tumne,
Mere khwabon ko aakhir taaron tak pahuncha hi diya tumne!
Mere bistar ko phoolon ke guldaste se sajaya tumne,
Aankhen jab jab band ki toh mere sapno ko mehekaya tumne!
Meri zindagi bin disha ke lehron se jo takrate jhagadte chali aa rahi thi,
Meri zindagi ki naav ko maksat dekar lehron ke saath behena sikhaya tumne!
Doobte sooraj ki tarah jab mere aatma-sammaan ki roshni doob rahi thi,
Zindagi se thhake haare jab ummeed ki saari goonjaish chhoot rahi thi,
Mere sacche himmat, kala, taakat aur hunar ko darshaya tumne,
Us vishaal sagar me apne bal par tairna sikhaya tumne!
Har sukh ko sambhaalna sikhaya tumne,
Har dukh se sambhalna sikhaya tumne,
Har lamhe me doob jana jo sikhaya tumne,
Ab zindagi kuch is tarah jeena aa raha hai mujhe,
Itni khushiyan bhi sach ho sakti hai, aisa vishvas mera banaya tumne!
Kya tumhare bina me reh paaongi? shayad nahi.
Kya tumse jitna pyar kiya phir kisise kar paaongi? shayad nahi.
Aane wale din hamare liye kya laayenge, ye pata nahi,
Par beete din jitne tumhare sang bitaye, unka koi jawaaab nahi!
Aise tumhare pyar ne pagal banaya mujhe, madira ke bin zindagi me khushiyon se jhoolna sikhaya tumne!

D 🌹